Congraduations!

Our daughter Angela did so well at Kenyon College. She received a great education, made friends for life and bonded with her professors. Her graduation was bound to be a major moment in our lives, but could we include Alasdair? Would it be possible for us to be the typical family who travels to commencement with grandparents and extended family in tow? Would we all be able to get dressed up and walk proudly with our college graduate and experience the ritual without feeling like the entire event was a compromise?

Having Alasdair attend Angela's college graduation has been a dream of mine for many years but I wasn't sure if it was going to happen. Alasdair was not at his sister's high school graduation. He missed her high school plays and many extended family celebrations. Given the different school schedules, we usually took the kids on separate vacations, taking Angela on trips that would have been difficult for Alasdair. He never made a trip to Kenyon or to Scotland, where Angela spent her junior year. Alasdair missed so much of his sister's life that some of Angela's friends didn't even know she had a brother.

The sibling of an autistic child is usually the unsung hero of the story. A neighbor of ours congratulated Angela on her graduation and recounted seeing her as a little girl, sobbing, looking for her brother, because Alasdair had run away. I wish I could say that this only happened once, but Alasdair's disappearances were frequent. Responsibility came very early to Angela. And compromise. Before Camphill, despite our intense efforts working with Alasdair at home, things were stressful. Our entire household revolved around Alasdair. Camphill came at the perfect time. During the early Camphill years, I recall sitting at parent workshops listening to veteran parents speak about their successful family moments where their child behaved beautifully and was fully integrated into family activities. I remember a particular story where after a few years at Camphill, a child successfully attended a family wedding. Not only was the young lady’s behavior impeccable, she was truly present and understanding of the momentous occasion. Another wise parent talked about how his daughter had been "Camphillized." How could this ever happen to us with Alasdair's impulsivity and often unsafe behavior? Would we ever be able to attend a family function and not have to take turns watching Alasdair? Would he learn that one needs to take other's feelings into account and develop empathic qualities in order to be a good human being? A very wise parent at an early Camphill parent meeting said, "Sometimes you have to let them go so that you can have them back."

Here we are, seven years later.  I am happy to say that after much love and thoughtful work on the part of the entire Camphill community, Alasdair is back! He is a vital presence in all of our lives and it is no longer a compromise for him to be a part of a family event.

We began our trip to Ohio, spending the night in Glenmoore with Becky and her husband Harry. Becky was Alasdair's Junior High School teacher and now our friend. We picked Alasdair up from Whitestone at 7 am. House mother Sarah and Jiap and the coworkers had totally prepared Alasdair for the trip. He was packed and ready and excited to go. His teacher Peggy obliged us with the time off from class and had primed him about what was to come. After our eight hour drive, which was no trouble for Alasdair, given all of the car trips he has taken with Camphill, Angela said she would like to take Alasdair around campus to meet her friends. Marc and I smiled while we unpacked.

Our first night was a small family dinner in the local bar, which involved waiting and chatting-Alasdair seemed oddly comfortable at the college hangout. We raised our glasses to toast Angela, and Alasdair said, "Congraduations." For someone who has trouble with words, it amazes me that he finds humor in language. On our second night we hosted a potluck for Angela's friends and their families. Angela's grandparents and aunt and uncle arrived from the airport and were very much a part of the celebration. Alasdair donned his newly purchased Kenyon College sweatshirt and helped Marc shop and prepare for the party--meal preparation and food shopping are skills he has honed at Camphill. He did great at the party- everyone was wearing a name tag, which was helpful to Alasdair and those of us over 50! It was a big, long, loud party but I never worried about him. Alasdair was friendly and introduced himself to people. He did not sit by himself and watch a video or play with action figures. He enjoyed the food and drink and took lots of pictures.  

Saturday was the graduation. Our family all stayed in the same house so it was fun waking up together. We spent the morning eating breakfast, cleaning up, reflecting on the night before and getting all dressed up. Alasdair's Aunt Joan helped him with his jacket and tie. Alasdair dutifully sat on his folding chair. He surveyed the program and quickly found Angela's name. He listened patiently through the many speeches. He stood when Angela's name was called so that he could see her receiving her diploma and gave big cheer with the rest of us. As you might imagine, the ceremony went on for hours, but he hung in there. The many plays, concerts, assemblies, services and graduations Alasdair attended at Camphill had thoroughly prepared him for Angela's big day. I wanted Angela to know that her brother understood the significance of her college graduation, was extremely proud of her, and loved her very much. It could not have been more evident.

It is particularly poignant that Alasdair’s graduation is just a few weeks after Angela’s graduation. Again, our family will gather to witness a milestone. His time at Camphill and Kenyon have prepared us all for his ceremony.

By Florie Seery, parent